Iron-Clad Laws of Driving

Taking a brief Netflix break, I’m indulging in a little DALsTALs (Dirk A. Linthicum’s Thoughts On Life) action.

If you’re like me, you pray each and every day for some cataclysm that will send humanity back to a simpler, pre-Industrial age. Chances are you’re not like me, but I think you can still sympathize with how annoying the morning commute can be. Culled from the past eight months of taking the Pennsylvania Turnpike to work, here are some of my Iron-Clad Laws of Driving:

1.) If you’re in a hurry to get somewhere, every light will be red – but if you’re trying to text while you’re stopped, every light will be green.

2.) If you’re in a rush, the people ahead of you will start to turn into driveways/roads that you’ve never seen anyone driving on before.

3.) Late at night, ALL car headlights will look like police car headlights.

4.) Approaching a driveway you need to enter, pedestrians will always be moving at the perfect speed to block your path at the exact moment of arrival.

5.) Approaching a driveway you need to swing out to enter, a car will always be coming in the opposite direction, forcing you to stop.

6.) When coming up on a biker riding in the street, there will always be a car coming in the opposite direction. Furthermore you, the biker, and the car will be moving at the exact speed necessary to bring you together all at once, forcing you to stop and wait in order to pass the biker. The biker is always on your side of the road; this never happens for drivers coming the opposite way.

7.) If you decide to wait for an oncoming car before making a turn, it will immediately reduce its speed so that you sit there like a dope waiting for it to go by.

8.) The aggressive driver zipping in and out of traffic and speeding recklessly will never get pulled over… but YOU will the moment one of your brake lights goes out. (See also: the jerk on the motorcycle who passes people on the shoulder)

9.) The slow driver ahead of you on the one-lane road will unfailingly be heading the exact same place you are.

10.) If, for any reason, you have to drive slower than usual (i.e. only 5 miles above the speed limit), the slob who wants to go 50 will always jet up right behind you.

11.) The 18-wheeler with the unsettling tendency to drift over the line will always end up right next to you in dense traffic.

12.) When other drivers want to change lanes, YOU are the perfect person for them to cut in front of. Never the car in front of or behind you.

13.) Go ahead and try to be the nice guy at a four-way stop. The driver you’re trying to wave ahead will refuse the courtesy and counter-wave you.

14.) Good luck obeying the right of way at a four-way stop; the driver who obviously arrived after you will cut you off anyway.

15.) Good luck being the third driver at a four-way stop; the other two drivers will engage in a time-wasting politeness war to see who goes first. Then the fourth guy will cut you off.

16.) That pedestrian you waited for at the cross-walk WILL NOT hurry. In fact, they might walk slower across the intersection than they do elsewhere.

17.) Your reverse lights are not visible to people in parking lots; they’ll look at them, look at you trying to back out, and then continue on their way as if they didn’t see anything.

18.) Street lights will flicker out eerily just as you drive under them. Unsettling.

19.) Your headlights are not visible to the idiot driving with his high beams on coming the opposite way.

20.) As soon as you turn on your high beams, another car will immediately appear coming toward you and you’ll have to turn them off.

21.) Need to change lanes? Meet “driver who hovers right by your rear bumper.” He’ll never pass you. He’ll never fall behind you. He’ll never see your turn signal. He is legion.

22.) The car in front of you in the EZ-Pass lane still thinks it’s necessary to reduce his speed by at least 10mph.


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