Girl Most Likely – 7/2/14

2012

Girl Most Likely is to Kristen Wiig what every movie since Anchorman has been to Will Ferrell. I imagine the writing process for it went a little something like this…

Setting: writer’s room for Girl Most Likely. The room is strewn with empty cans of energy drink and cigarette butts.

Time: around 2:43 AM.

Writer 1: I don’t know… I’m still a little confused about our main character. I mean, she seems completely unsympathetic. She’s pompous, egotistical, deluded… she has no real friends, and right from the beginning she seems pretty annoying. Maybe we should give her some kind of redeeming quality.

Writer 2: Aren’t you forgetting something? She’ll be played by Kristen Wiig. From Bridesmaids. Remember her character from that movie? It’s pretty much the exact same one here.

Writer 1: Yeah, but you could actually understand her motivations in that one. Here she just comes across as a spoiled, self-entitled bitch.

Writer 3: IT’S A COMEDY!

Writer 2: Exactly. So anyway, the scene is set: Kristen’s boyfriend is breaking up with her, so to get him back she decides to stage a fake suicide attempt. But then – and this is what the audiences will love – she somehow messes up and attempts suicide for real!

Writer 3: Comedy gold!

Writer 1: Wait, what? I didn’t think we had decided on that yet. It sounds… I don’t know… not really that funny. It actually sounds really cheap. Besides, what kind of awful person tries a ploy like that? It seems like one of those ideas that only looks funny on paper.

Writer 2: Listen, suicide is hilarious. And remember, on the big screen it won’t be just anyone pretending to attempt suicide but accidentally doing it for real – it’ll be Kristen Wiig from Bridesmaids.

Writer 3: I’m laughing already!

Writer 2: So, because of this hilarious misunderstanding, she’s forced to go live with her family…

Writer 3: Oh boy!

Writer 2: …which is just a grab-bag of ridiculous characters!

Writer 1: I see here you have written, “Slutty Mom.”

Writer 2: Yes. Her mom will be a former stripper or something. Basically the worst mom of all time – chronic degenerate gambler, neglected her children, big whore. But eventually Kristen will discover that her mom was really pretty great all along.

Writer 1: How so?

Writer 3: IT’S A COMEDY!

Writer 2: Exactly. And the mom’s younger boyfriend will be a real nut. He’ll claim he’s in the CIA and have all these crazy stories about his adventures.

Writer 3: Oh man, don’t tell me! Don’t tell me what HILARIOUS twist you’ll have in mind for THAT character!

Writer 2: Oh, let’s just say that perhaps his ridiculous claims may not be as outlandish as you at first suspect!

Writer 3: HA! You’re a genius!

Writer 1: And you have another character marked as “Awkward Brother.” Let me guess: That’s her lovably awkward younger brother who provides a lot of innocent screwball-type humor?

Writer 2: Correct. Imagine him being played by Zach Galifianakis… but we can’t afford him, so we’ll get some guy nobody’s ever heard of to sort of do the same thing.

Writer 1: Oh, God. Who is “The Other Young Guy Who Lives In The House But Isn’t Her Brother”?

Writer 2: Right. You’re never going to guess this, but he turns out to be Kristen’s love interest. I say you’ll never guess it because, although he’s the only other unattached male character in the film, they don’t seem to hit it off at first. At all. In fact, they may be openly hostile to each other. But then it turns out that they really get along. Complete surprise, right?

Writer 1: How do you figure out that they get along?

Writer 2: They sleep together. After he gets her drunk.

Writer 1: WHAT?!?

Writer 3: IT’S A COMEDY!

Writer 2: So a bunch of stuff happens, yadda yadda… Oh, right. The big reveal is that Kristen’s father, who you think is dead the whole movie, turns out to be alive. The whole “death” thing was a story thought up by the Slutty Mom to spare the kids the agony of divorce.

Writer 1: Fine. Sounds great. Perfectly logical.

Writer 3: And funny. Funny in the kind of way that will make people laugh like, “Oooooh-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoooooooo!”

Writer 2: Don’t worry, though. The dad turns out to be a real elitist scumbag. So there’s some more zany hi-jinx, Kristen’s boyfriend insults her old Uncaring Superficial Friends, and everyone becomes successful and happy. That’s the end.

Writer 3: Flawless. Now let’s get started on Anchorman 2.

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