2-HEADED SHARK ATTACK – 9/27/14

2012 – Terror takes a ghastly form when a gigantic two-headed shark sinks a ship full of students, and the survivors wash up on a tiny atoll.
2 Headed Shark Attack poster
If zombies became the new vampires (i.e. the horror movie monster that got vastly over-played and lost any of its initial appeal or menace), is it safe to say that sharks have become the new zombies? I chose this one out of a field of four equally awful-looking shark movies, primarily because the beast on the poster above is actually frowning in carnivorous fury.
Yes, certain aspects of this film were slightly unrealistic (the shark-related science, the shark itself, most of the breasts), but beyond the bone-crunching mayhem there’s a lot to be learned from 2-Headed Shark Attack.
  1. A shark is never not hungry. The two-headed menace devours 25 people over the course of a single morning and afternoon.
  2. College classes routinely go on cruises to learn how a sextant works. I guess when your professor also owns his own ship and employs a three-person crew, that’s just one of the perks.
  3. Carmen Electra can convincingly portray a doctor. You just have to be careful not to give her any doctor-like things to say or do.
  4. The big, dumb, jerky weight-lifting character will probably not survive. Complete surprise, right? I was sure he’d make it, especially after he abandoned his friends to die not once but twice.
  5. The characters that go skinny-dipping aren’t going to make it either. In a shocking twist, the trio of students who go for a naked swim are only devoured AFTER the requisite lesbian make-out scene.
  6. The Indian character is probably the smartest. In addition to knowing everything about science, sharks, and engines, I bet he’s really good at spelling, too.
  7. The most statuesque blonde will probably live. It helps when your character is portrayed by Brooke Hogan, who does just as good a job in this as her dad did in Suburban Commando.
  8. When your boat is being chased by a shark, the best escape strategy is to jump into the water. You wouldn’t think this is true, but it totally is. The shark will just ignore you and go after the noisy, non-meat-and-blood-filled boat engine instead. That’s because…
  9. Sharks are more attracted to electrical disturbances than edible prey. Again, this is pretty much iron-clad science, people. Boat motors, electrified nets, ringing cell phones – a shark will ALWAYS choose an electronic device over a thrashing, screaming human.
  10. A lighter, applied to the top of a steel oil drum, generates sufficient heat to cause an explosion. Never mind the fact that it was also in the water at the time.
  11. Sharks can detect victims out of the water. Just because you’re standing on a dock doesn’t mean the shark can’t jump out and get you (or surf in on a tidal wave).
  12. Islands sink. Randomly. It happens all the time! Thankfully, you can count on: a) any wooden structures floating; and b) a convenient heap of rocks being left behind for you to shelter on.

Yes, this is a “bad” movie, but it’s not trying to be great. Some of the performers (especially Geoff Ward as the cowardly jock) really give it their all – nobody is obviously winking at the camera and trying to pass this off as a parody. The CGI shark effects are decent, and they even invested in two big foam heads for close up kill shots.

You could probably spend a day breaking down all the continuity errors in the climactic sequence alone. Just to name one: the shark gets its right head blown off, but in some shots it’s missing the left and in some it’s just a regular one-headed shark. Still, it’s enjoyable watching the ever-diminishing cast get picked off one by one (“Yes, it finally killed the bitchy blonde girl! Oh no, it killed the jive-talking black girl!”).

One last thing I thought was interesting – the “Chekhov’s Gun” principle doesn’t apply to this movie. The sextant is introduced in the first few minutes, and some of the students scoff at such an elementary navigation device (“Don’t we have GPS?”). You’d think someone would have to use it later on, maybe to navigate back home… but no, it’s never mentioned again. In another scene, one student finds a revolver in an abandoned shack. You’d assume this would be used to dramatic effect in the third act… but nope, the character fires the gun at the shark (uselessly) and gets eaten anyway.

Alright, I didn’t say it was that interesting. Just… kinda interesting.

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