Not to seem too familiar with you, my twos and threes of readers, but I’ve been in a bit of a quandary about my underwear lately. I always believed, with a faith bordering on religious conviction, that boxer shorts were the underwear that men wore. Briefs were only to be worn by little kids and that guy who kills himself in Bruce Willis’ bathroom in The Sixth Sense.
Even when I heard about so-called “boxer briefs,” my faith remained unshaken. A combination of boxers and briefs? To me, it seemed like an evolutionary development as useless as the “spork.” Who would wear such a thing? Perhaps boxer briefs could be worn during middle school, and you could graduate to full, manly boxers when you got your driver’s license?
But, amazingly, all my friends seemed to be converting. Right and left, people were lauding the boxer brief as the superior choice. They’re “more comfortable” and “more secure” and “make your package look great” and other important concerns. Doubts began to sneak in. I started to suspect I was missing out on a great cultural trend, like not watching Game of Thrones.
So I went underwear shopping, which is one of my least favorite things, and I did it at Walmart, which is my absolute least favorite thing. On this particular excursion, I arrived at two very important conclusions.
Conclusion #1: English is the best language. Period. The back of the boxer brief bag was emblazoned with several bullet points in English and Spanish. I was informed that these boxer briefs came equipped with a “Non binding waistband.” Or, in Spanish, “Elastico en la cintura que no restringe el movimiento.” Sheesh, Spanish, just get to the point already! I don’t need to know that it doesn’t restrict our movements. I just need to know that it’s non binding. Don’t waste my time. Although we don’t have a hundred and fifty words for “snow” like the Eskimos do, our language has the flexibility to be elegant and the economy to get right to the point. English: appreciate it.
Conclusion #2: The primary demographic that underwear marketers wish to reach must be “gay men.”
Every single package of underwear ever made features images of muscular, hunky, racially-ambiguous guys thrusting their genitals at you. WHY? That doesn’t persuade me to buy their underwear. My thought process was: I need underwear. Fruit of the Loom is two bucks cheaper than Hanes. I’m not fooled into thinking that I’ll suddenly have a chiseled jaw and rippling pectorals and a gleaming smile if I buy these
five eight boxer briefs.
STOP IT! Look at this! This is the image above the SIZE CHART! No guy I know enjoys trying to select a product full of close-up crotch shots. I made my choice as quickly as possible, since staring at the
package bag product (you can’t even describe what the underwear is IN without conjuring up groin associations) longer than five seconds would start to attract dubious looks from passers-by.
I bought them anyway.